Destroying yourself

 Destroying yourself with anger, rage, and pain. Finding no way to tame the beast growing inside, darkness creeps in no way to subsidize it. No way to stop it from growing or even stop feeding it. Scared of the reality that could be from starving it, stop feeding it, you feel the weakness in your bones. You begin to feel the pain, the anger and the fear this beast will instill in you, vengeful, dangerous, spiteful emotions he will make you feel. Flashbacks he will bring fourth so that you will want to become blind, and not want to see the reality. He will paralyze you with fear you’ll want to move no more.  

Overwhelming Times

 I can only imagine how everyone must feel in these times, struggling to stay afloat financially and emotionally. Cost of living, Covid- 19, depression t all members of your household. People have become isolated, full of fear and anxiety. Not knowing if they can make the rent or car note coming due in a few days. We become paralyzed with fear and try and sleep the days away. Things to do and more worries, problems and emotions piling up on a daily life. This life right now is not for the weak. We have to remain strong, adapt and deal with our emotions. We have to accept that the world is turning, and of course karma returning. Returning what we reap is what she does best, and we have to endure her along with all the rest. Indeed, we have to gather our strength and regain our faith that soon all will return to normal. Maybe it won't ever return to normal, that's why we were meant to adapt and look for a better way of living. God has given us this life may it be hard or easy, but he gave us breath and we got to keep living. Many years have passed me by drowning in all these bad things life has thrown at us. Many have it worse than others and I pray for those who do have it worse, of course I can't imagine their pain and suffering, when I can hardly withstand my own. When I wake up on my good days, I feel like someone out there is praying for me as well. That gives me hope and a sense of worth and love. The saddest part of life right now is that in these times family should be united, but I only see them falling apart. People quick to cut people off and be unforgiving for the simplest things. Judgment on each other, no mercy for the lost. No mercy for the addicted, depress, or the mental. Not really caring what they are truly going through because they have enough on their plate to deal with someone else. Then we wonder why life is so hard and karma is out to get everyone. Be kind in these times, pray, help and sustain one another. If you help others karma will come back good. Life will start to get easier, and you will have peace in your heart, soul and mind. I can only pray God gets me and my family through these hard times, to help others and find peace within ourselves. That should be the ultimate in self-love. Love yourself so you can love others. Not to think you are better than others and not care about what others are going through, but to have enough love within yourself to be able to give some of that love to others. To not judge others for their choices or mistakes, but to help them make better ones, with love and guidance. Being greedy with your love is a grave mistake, for God had love for all and so should we all. 

Tragedy

 This is a poem I wrote 5/16/01

I can't believe the fate of our world, watching the news yet another tragedy has accrued. Innocent child of four years old, shot down cold in the living room floor. Gang members don't care who the bullet hits they just fire Boom Boom and jump ship. The family left in pain as they have to explain how everything went down, what they saw and heard. The grandmother starts to say, I had to save one of my grandchildren, but I couldn't save both, when I tried to grab the other his whole stomach was blown. Gunshot ripped him open he was gone for sure. Tragedy takes another soul and leaves a family in pain to never see that child grow. Guns in the wrong hands that's why so many people are against a weapon that was once made to protect and serve. Now they are evil in evil's hands to take an innocent's soul. 

Hood Family

 There's a certain sadness that fills my heart around the holiday's because of how alone I feel. No family, no friends to be around me or my kids during the holidays is difficult. To not only be aware that it's been like that for me all my life and now it's the same for my kids. I swear I didn't want the same outcome for them, but life has a funny way of repeating itself. They say it's like a generational curse or something like that. Not being able to break the curse is difficult when the generation doesn't change but only gets worse. I've been on my own since the age of 11 and all the pain and trauma my family has put me through really put fear in my heart for my kids. When I met my husband he built a different kind of life for me where I thought I would never have to go to my family for help, love, or anything at all ever again. When he died my oldest son was the same age I was when my mom passed, at eleven years of age I had to stand alone. I swore my son was not going to be me even if the same heartache and destiny seemed to become the same for him. I swore he wouldn't feel abandoned, un-loved and a burden to nobody. I would be here always to shield him from such pain. Even if he already felt one of the greatest heartbreaks I did at the same age of losing a parent, nothing else was going to hurt him. I thought maybe my husband's family and mine would fill him with all the love and guidance he needed. I thought maybe my family would step up and give him the love they never gave me. They all seemed to support and rally behind us as my husband lost his battle with cancer. They all seemed to give compassion and kept promising my husband, and reassuring him that they would look after us and always be there to help. I didn't make the best decisions after my husband passed away, I was grieving and lost and took a wrong turn, and I guess that's on me, but I still don't see how that could've made my husband's family turn their backs on my kids. They tried to hurt me in the worst way possible but hurting my kids in the process was the worst thing they could do. My family I was used to them always betraying me or abandoning me but I didn't expect the same thing to happen to my kids. So again the curse was bestowed on my kids. I've never kept my kids from them or my family I have always let them make their own decision on how they interact with their families, but there also comes a time where you have to protect your kids from certain things people do or say that can have a negative way of affecting them. Some people can hate your kids for the simple fact that they are your kids. I wish my kids didn't have to see me having conflict with both sides of the family, and didn't have to see me set boundaries and building back walls I had already tried to tear down. All so they can have the close net family I never seemed to have. Every year that passed I kept having trouble letting my family in because I knew the harm they could cause me and my kids. In time that proved to be true, and every year the same wit my husband's family, they kept hurting my kids by trying to hurt me. Broken promises, fake love, and lies is all they could offer. I tried to forgive many times and move on but they kept doing the same thing over and over. So now I stay away from both sides but a little to late. I failed to break the generational curse for my kids and we have a whole decade spending the holidays alone. In our PJ'S in bed in our own rooms. We don't go anywhere and that makes me so sad. The guilt I carry because some how it's all my fault. I'm the problem, I bring the drama and negative vibe. So I stay away and now my kids suffer along with me. Every year I promise myself that it will be the last year we spend the holidays alone and isolated, and every year the flood of emotions and depression drag me down. Along with more stress and problems karma brings me I have no strength to carry on. I keep thinking of how much damage the generational curse has caused me and my kids. Or is it me that has caused it all, all this time? i don't know, all I know is as I sit here watching my family and there's united, together, and making great memories, I die a little more inside. 

Hoodmama's dont break down!!!

 The Holiday's are here and I realize the end of the year is here. I took a whole year to get everything done and some didn't even get started or finished. Some started to get down but never made enough progress to finish. All year I avoided the things most important that had to be done with adding more un-important things to my plate. Keeping busy on other thing's instead of focusing on thing's or people that I had to deal with. The out-come some negative but some positive. With conflict within myself and with other's it made it hard for me to be around family and friends. It was hard to face the reality of the damage I was doing to myself and my loved ones, because of the choices I was making. It's been about 7 year's that I have gone on this blog to write more about my Hoodmama life, and maybe just posted 2 times since. I started another blog a few months ago to tape into this new person I hoped to become.& year's of destroying everything and everyone around me. Karma sure has been biting me in the ass, and it's been a hell of a decade for me. I started realizing just this year of all my mistakes and bad choices. Hearing how I've done so much damage to my loved one's is making me face reality and has put a start to really confronting the truth and dealing with my emotions. Why? because my emotions is the reason I have reacted and done thing's the way they have become. I know it's to late to repair some of the damage I've done to my life as well as other's, but there is room for growth and forgiveness. I also know that first I have to forgive myself, but the cross I carry is so heavy I don't have strength to face the things I've done. So much shame and guilt it reminds me that I'm not even worthy of self-love. Or even forgiveness from myself and other's. Then the feeling and knowledge of people you thought were for you are actually against you it gets overwhelming. All I've ever known to do is react with anger and avoid every part of it. I numb the pain and store it in Pandora's box. I mean who wants to face such feelings or carry such a heavy cross. Late this year it seemed like the whole world was against me and my whole world was turned upside down. I kept telling myself karma is here, you got this, weather the storm. How long can I keep this strong front when it don't stop. It's like she was waiting on me to start changing and doing better for my life to come get me. I started my own business and got back in school after hitting rock bottom not just once but a few times. Positive changes I decided to make after starting to realize That my life was shit and I wasted almost a decade of life making wrong choices and hurting my loved one's. Yes a little to dam late but I had to try. Everyday new thing's happen and more fragile, mentally, and emotionally I become. I feel like I'm losing a never ending battle, and I see no end in site. A new year is about to start and I know I'm running out of time. I just don't see how I can overcome all these challenges. What I do know is that I started so there is will, now I just need the power and strength to keep going. I hope that this year will be the last of a bad decade and a new beginning, I wish you all Happy Holidays and blessing's for all!!! 

November 24, 2020

My greatest blessings from God came in the form of five of the most precious humans on earth, and I am forever in Gods debt and all the Glory to my God for giving me these great gifts to look after and care for all the rest of my days. As he blessed my mother with five blessings he has blessed me to, and with this comes great sadness and sorrow for it makes me think a lot about my mother. She didn't seem to ever be happy in life and I saw all her suffering and dismiss in her life. I saw how she died of illness and sadness in an un-happy life and at my age in those times I really didn't understand much but I could see and sometimes feel she wasn't happy. Children don't really understand much but they grow up thinking that is just how life is. I would see her destroy her life in un healthy habits and life style but in all honesty I only remember bits and pieces of my childhood. Till now I understand why I lost most of my childhood memories as they say when you go through any kind of trauma as a child that tends to happen. After her death from being diabetic and not taking care of herself she passed away at age 43 and I was only 11 years old. I had a tough life after that and I remember only wanting a family of my own to save me from all the pain I was going through. I thought maybe having a family of my own to give them a better life then mine I could have a better life of my own. God heard my prayers and blessed me with a great husband that gave me a great life and a new beginning and meaning in life. he gave me three beautiful kids and a purpose to live a better life. I forgot my old life and my old pain but life has a way of reminding you of the bad. More if you take for granted what he has blessed you with. 12 years of staying away from the ones who hurt me and abandoned me and encouraged me to keep making bad decisions. That was my first mistake was going back to revisit the places and people I shouldn't have, exposing my family to the hurt and life I had before. The more I stayed the worse it got, and after that I just couldn't stay away. Relationship issues surfaced between our families and within our relationship as a couple. I started to take my husband for granted and picking up old habits and feeling old pain. I don't blame God in any way but I feel it was a punishment bestowed upon me for praying so much for what I had and not honoring his blessings. My husband became ill of cancer and within six months lost his battle and we lost him. My oldest son was 11 years old the same as I was when my mother died. I was quick to say and feel why must my son go through the same thing I did at the same age as I was? Why!! Is it his destiny as it was mine to suffer such a loss at such a young age? Is it my destiny to suffer the same fate as my mother? Will I also die at a young age of 43 and leave my kids with yet another loss at such a young age? Will my sadness and depression kill me and I will die lonely and sad as she did? Fear consumed every part of my being and I felt so much guilt and shame for all the things I was doing and thinking. Ill tell you I lost myself again and I was paralyzed with fear. My fear made my grief even worse and I still not able to heal from my moms then dads passing's. I hadn't healed from my childhood traumas which are so many from even before and after my moms death. The only thing I could hang on to was my kids and how I was going to raise them on my own with so much emotional baggage I feared I was going to destroy myself and them in the process. My life hasn't been easy, and I sit here writing this at this very moment it has only gotten worse. I keep going though, I keep fighting but I'm not going to lie I feel weary and I feel defeated.

Low key hating 🙊

I sometimes sit and scroll and dream I can live like all these rich and famous people you see on social media. Like wow what a life! It’s unbelievable and unimaginable to me how someone can live like that because I don’t feel like I could ever get that close. I mean a person must really be hungry to be so ambitious and go lucky when I don’t even have the energy to peel myself out of bed some days. I wonder will I ever have that drive and determination I have felt and had once upon a time. When I had it I went hard but when everything turned out wrong I gave up and accepted my life as it is. I Just don’t have anymore Juice in me to try again. I wish I knew how to get it back, the will and the drive to be great in life. I find myself here again rooting everyone else on their journey and blessings in life. I watch celebrities live lavish lives with lavish things and I can only wish and dream one day to be in those shoes. I sometimes say but God gave me this life and these blessings and I should be happy and content even if it’s not exactly what I want. Who gets exactly what they want anyway right? Even rich people aren’t happy with the life God gives them. I guess it’s how the saying goes “it’s how you use what you got to get what you want” Or something like that lol. Well I believe that everyone has a purpose in life and the blessings you receive are for that purpose. My blessing’s are the people I love because they are the most precious things God has blessed me with. I feel like they are my purpose. I feel also they I have failed them in so many ways and that’s why I think I feel empty in my life. I need to focus on them and it’s been a long time coming. I have been a good mother but I could’ve been better. That’s what I aim for right now in life, to fulfill my purpose in life and guide my kids throughout this cruel life, but somehow make it better for them. So one day they will find their purpose in life too but for that purpose to be greater than mine ever could be. I Just can’t find any other purpose to live for other than them. I have been down a long road and see no other reason to keep going. I wish I could be strong and healthy but God does things for a reason. The more I think about it though the more I’m comfortable with that. My purpose is to guide my kids to a better life. To watch them be greater than me and greater than the life God gave me. Who knows maybe along that journey will be something great for me after all.

Home❤

Life can take you many places but if you truly truly find home you have found your place to nest and to grow your family. I have never found home since my mother died in the late 80's. My husband and I tried to settle down and lay some roots but never managed to grow. Then he too past away in 2008 and my search began all over again. Still till this day I move my children from place to place trying to find a place to call home. We always keep coming back to where my first child was born, Dallas Texas home of the Cowboys, yes we are fans. I think that this is Home even if it comes with a bitterness of moving away from our family and friends. Even if some of our demons follow us everywhere we go but we keep coming back. This is our happy place, where for a moment we were a normal and a happy family. I have put my kids through so much and to only hope it will make them as strong as myself. So they know and adapt to the harsh life God has given them. Why because they weren't born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and even the ones born with privilege's are burned by the Hell that creeps into the light. Even if we have the best of the best people never seem to be happy. Some do this I know, the ones truly truly close to God. They are the lucky ones that escape the flames because they stay praying and close to God. The devil takes control of most of us and we never seem to find that peace. Why is it so hard to ask God to change our lives? It's easy to say "I got to find a church to start going", but do you actually do it? I don't and I say it all the time. It's so hard for me to walk into a church and let the holy ghost take over me. In fear of showing emotion or breaking down in front of strangers, I get anxiety! But we sin without thinking about it twice. It's crazy how the devil plays games with our head. So here we are place to place running from the flame from the heat of the pits of Hell. Home needs to start with Jesus with Faith and love ❤ GOD please let me find home for my kids and I. Please make home wherever your love and presence is strong. Even if I dont go to church or pray everyday, let me find home with you. 👐🙏🙇‍♂️❤💞