November 24, 2020

My greatest blessings from God came in the form of five of the most precious humans on earth, and I am forever in Gods debt and all the Glory to my God for giving me these great gifts to look after and care for all the rest of my days. As he blessed my mother with five blessings he has blessed me to, and with this comes great sadness and sorrow for it makes me think a lot about my mother. She didn't seem to ever be happy in life and I saw all her suffering and dismiss in her life. I saw how she died of illness and sadness in an un-happy life and at my age in those times I really didn't understand much but I could see and sometimes feel she wasn't happy. Children don't really understand much but they grow up thinking that is just how life is. I would see her destroy her life in un healthy habits and life style but in all honesty I only remember bits and pieces of my childhood. Till now I understand why I lost most of my childhood memories as they say when you go through any kind of trauma as a child that tends to happen. After her death from being diabetic and not taking care of herself she passed away at age 43 and I was only 11 years old. I had a tough life after that and I remember only wanting a family of my own to save me from all the pain I was going through. I thought maybe having a family of my own to give them a better life then mine I could have a better life of my own. God heard my prayers and blessed me with a great husband that gave me a great life and a new beginning and meaning in life. he gave me three beautiful kids and a purpose to live a better life. I forgot my old life and my old pain but life has a way of reminding you of the bad. More if you take for granted what he has blessed you with. 12 years of staying away from the ones who hurt me and abandoned me and encouraged me to keep making bad decisions. That was my first mistake was going back to revisit the places and people I shouldn't have, exposing my family to the hurt and life I had before. The more I stayed the worse it got, and after that I just couldn't stay away. Relationship issues surfaced between our families and within our relationship as a couple. I started to take my husband for granted and picking up old habits and feeling old pain. I don't blame God in any way but I feel it was a punishment bestowed upon me for praying so much for what I had and not honoring his blessings. My husband became ill of cancer and within six months lost his battle and we lost him. My oldest son was 11 years old the same as I was when my mother died. I was quick to say and feel why must my son go through the same thing I did at the same age as I was? Why!! Is it his destiny as it was mine to suffer such a loss at such a young age? Is it my destiny to suffer the same fate as my mother? Will I also die at a young age of 43 and leave my kids with yet another loss at such a young age? Will my sadness and depression kill me and I will die lonely and sad as she did? Fear consumed every part of my being and I felt so much guilt and shame for all the things I was doing and thinking. Ill tell you I lost myself again and I was paralyzed with fear. My fear made my grief even worse and I still not able to heal from my moms then dads passing's. I hadn't healed from my childhood traumas which are so many from even before and after my moms death. The only thing I could hang on to was my kids and how I was going to raise them on my own with so much emotional baggage I feared I was going to destroy myself and them in the process. My life hasn't been easy, and I sit here writing this at this very moment it has only gotten worse. I keep going though, I keep fighting but I'm not going to lie I feel weary and I feel defeated.