Hoodmama's dont break down!!!

 The Holiday's are here and I realize the end of the year is here. I took a whole year to get everything done and some didn't even get started or finished. Some started to get down but never made enough progress to finish. All year I avoided the things most important that had to be done with adding more un-important things to my plate. Keeping busy on other thing's instead of focusing on thing's or people that I had to deal with. The out-come some negative but some positive. With conflict within myself and with other's it made it hard for me to be around family and friends. It was hard to face the reality of the damage I was doing to myself and my loved ones, because of the choices I was making. It's been about 7 year's that I have gone on this blog to write more about my Hoodmama life, and maybe just posted 2 times since. I started another blog a few months ago to tape into this new person I hoped to become.& year's of destroying everything and everyone around me. Karma sure has been biting me in the ass, and it's been a hell of a decade for me. I started realizing just this year of all my mistakes and bad choices. Hearing how I've done so much damage to my loved one's is making me face reality and has put a start to really confronting the truth and dealing with my emotions. Why? because my emotions is the reason I have reacted and done thing's the way they have become. I know it's to late to repair some of the damage I've done to my life as well as other's, but there is room for growth and forgiveness. I also know that first I have to forgive myself, but the cross I carry is so heavy I don't have strength to face the things I've done. So much shame and guilt it reminds me that I'm not even worthy of self-love. Or even forgiveness from myself and other's. Then the feeling and knowledge of people you thought were for you are actually against you it gets overwhelming. All I've ever known to do is react with anger and avoid every part of it. I numb the pain and store it in Pandora's box. I mean who wants to face such feelings or carry such a heavy cross. Late this year it seemed like the whole world was against me and my whole world was turned upside down. I kept telling myself karma is here, you got this, weather the storm. How long can I keep this strong front when it don't stop. It's like she was waiting on me to start changing and doing better for my life to come get me. I started my own business and got back in school after hitting rock bottom not just once but a few times. Positive changes I decided to make after starting to realize That my life was shit and I wasted almost a decade of life making wrong choices and hurting my loved one's. Yes a little to dam late but I had to try. Everyday new thing's happen and more fragile, mentally, and emotionally I become. I feel like I'm losing a never ending battle, and I see no end in site. A new year is about to start and I know I'm running out of time. I just don't see how I can overcome all these challenges. What I do know is that I started so there is will, now I just need the power and strength to keep going. I hope that this year will be the last of a bad decade and a new beginning, I wish you all Happy Holidays and blessing's for all!!!