November 24, 2020

My greatest blessings from God came in the form of five of the most precious humans on earth, and I am forever in Gods debt and all the Glory to my God for giving me these great gifts to look after and care for all the rest of my days. As he blessed my mother with five blessings he has blessed me to, and with this comes great sadness and sorrow for it makes me think a lot about my mother. She didn't seem to ever be happy in life and I saw all her suffering and dismiss in her life. I saw how she died of illness and sadness in an un-happy life and at my age in those times I really didn't understand much but I could see and sometimes feel she wasn't happy. Children don't really understand much but they grow up thinking that is just how life is. I would see her destroy her life in un healthy habits and life style but in all honesty I only remember bits and pieces of my childhood. Till now I understand why I lost most of my childhood memories as they say when you go through any kind of trauma as a child that tends to happen. After her death from being diabetic and not taking care of herself she passed away at age 43 and I was only 11 years old. I had a tough life after that and I remember only wanting a family of my own to save me from all the pain I was going through. I thought maybe having a family of my own to give them a better life then mine I could have a better life of my own. God heard my prayers and blessed me with a great husband that gave me a great life and a new beginning and meaning in life. he gave me three beautiful kids and a purpose to live a better life. I forgot my old life and my old pain but life has a way of reminding you of the bad. More if you take for granted what he has blessed you with. 12 years of staying away from the ones who hurt me and abandoned me and encouraged me to keep making bad decisions. That was my first mistake was going back to revisit the places and people I shouldn't have, exposing my family to the hurt and life I had before. The more I stayed the worse it got, and after that I just couldn't stay away. Relationship issues surfaced between our families and within our relationship as a couple. I started to take my husband for granted and picking up old habits and feeling old pain. I don't blame God in any way but I feel it was a punishment bestowed upon me for praying so much for what I had and not honoring his blessings. My husband became ill of cancer and within six months lost his battle and we lost him. My oldest son was 11 years old the same as I was when my mother died. I was quick to say and feel why must my son go through the same thing I did at the same age as I was? Why!! Is it his destiny as it was mine to suffer such a loss at such a young age? Is it my destiny to suffer the same fate as my mother? Will I also die at a young age of 43 and leave my kids with yet another loss at such a young age? Will my sadness and depression kill me and I will die lonely and sad as she did? Fear consumed every part of my being and I felt so much guilt and shame for all the things I was doing and thinking. Ill tell you I lost myself again and I was paralyzed with fear. My fear made my grief even worse and I still not able to heal from my moms then dads passing's. I hadn't healed from my childhood traumas which are so many from even before and after my moms death. The only thing I could hang on to was my kids and how I was going to raise them on my own with so much emotional baggage I feared I was going to destroy myself and them in the process. My life hasn't been easy, and I sit here writing this at this very moment it has only gotten worse. I keep going though, I keep fighting but I'm not going to lie I feel weary and I feel defeated.

Low key hating 🙊

I sometimes sit and scroll and dream I can live like all these rich and famous people you see on social media. Like wow what a life! It’s unbelievable and unimaginable to me how someone can live like that because I don’t feel like I could ever get that close. I mean a person must really be hungry to be so ambitious and go lucky when I don’t even have the energy to peel myself out of bed some days. I wonder will I ever have that drive and determination I have felt and had once upon a time. When I had it I went hard but when everything turned out wrong I gave up and accepted my life as it is. I Just don’t have anymore Juice in me to try again. I wish I knew how to get it back, the will and the drive to be great in life. I find myself here again rooting everyone else on their journey and blessings in life. I watch celebrities live lavish lives with lavish things and I can only wish and dream one day to be in those shoes. I sometimes say but God gave me this life and these blessings and I should be happy and content even if it’s not exactly what I want. Who gets exactly what they want anyway right? Even rich people aren’t happy with the life God gives them. I guess it’s how the saying goes “it’s how you use what you got to get what you want” Or something like that lol. Well I believe that everyone has a purpose in life and the blessings you receive are for that purpose. My blessing’s are the people I love because they are the most precious things God has blessed me with. I feel like they are my purpose. I feel also they I have failed them in so many ways and that’s why I think I feel empty in my life. I need to focus on them and it’s been a long time coming. I have been a good mother but I could’ve been better. That’s what I aim for right now in life, to fulfill my purpose in life and guide my kids throughout this cruel life, but somehow make it better for them. So one day they will find their purpose in life too but for that purpose to be greater than mine ever could be. I Just can’t find any other purpose to live for other than them. I have been down a long road and see no other reason to keep going. I wish I could be strong and healthy but God does things for a reason. The more I think about it though the more I’m comfortable with that. My purpose is to guide my kids to a better life. To watch them be greater than me and greater than the life God gave me. Who knows maybe along that journey will be something great for me after all.

Home❤

Life can take you many places but if you truly truly find home you have found your place to nest and to grow your family. I have never found home since my mother died in the late 80's. My husband and I tried to settle down and lay some roots but never managed to grow. Then he too past away in 2008 and my search began all over again. Still till this day I move my children from place to place trying to find a place to call home. We always keep coming back to where my first child was born, Dallas Texas home of the Cowboys, yes we are fans. I think that this is Home even if it comes with a bitterness of moving away from our family and friends. Even if some of our demons follow us everywhere we go but we keep coming back. This is our happy place, where for a moment we were a normal and a happy family. I have put my kids through so much and to only hope it will make them as strong as myself. So they know and adapt to the harsh life God has given them. Why because they weren't born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and even the ones born with privilege's are burned by the Hell that creeps into the light. Even if we have the best of the best people never seem to be happy. Some do this I know, the ones truly truly close to God. They are the lucky ones that escape the flames because they stay praying and close to God. The devil takes control of most of us and we never seem to find that peace. Why is it so hard to ask God to change our lives? It's easy to say "I got to find a church to start going", but do you actually do it? I don't and I say it all the time. It's so hard for me to walk into a church and let the holy ghost take over me. In fear of showing emotion or breaking down in front of strangers, I get anxiety! But we sin without thinking about it twice. It's crazy how the devil plays games with our head. So here we are place to place running from the flame from the heat of the pits of Hell. Home needs to start with Jesus with Faith and love ❤ GOD please let me find home for my kids and I. Please make home wherever your love and presence is strong. Even if I dont go to church or pray everyday, let me find home with you. 👐🙏🙇‍♂️❤💞

Hello Wlecome to my blog!

Hi my name is Mary aka Hoodmama and I started this blog in 2011. I lost my husband to Cancer in 2008 and in that moment I lost my soul for the second time, yes you can lose your soul several times in your lifetime. I first lost my soul at a much younger age 11, when I lost my mother to kidney decease and that's when all my world fell apart. I Went through a lifetime of pain and learned so many lessons. I thank God everyday for making me a strong Latina women that can stand her ground and get back on the horse that knocked her down. I know how it feels to think your worlds gonna end and you have no where to turn Then God always sends an Angel or miracle your way. All that is needed is faith and to be honest a little bit of anger. Yes anger, without that I maybe would've never been brave enough to face my demons. They still haunt me and I still feel the anger and I let it sometimes get the best of me. Therefore this blog is a means to self help and self healing. I am here if you need me if you can relate. I am here to try and help someone like me who cries inside but never shows emotion. Never shows weakness because the anger keeps me strong. Maybe we can release all these demons together or let them play together lol...Sometimes you Just have to deal with them one way or the other. It's the only way I know how. People say let go and let God, well I think maybe God needs help. Maybe he wants people to help each other and not only rely on him. He gave us the power and the will of his love to have compassion for others as well as for ourselves. I have known that writing, reading and helping others helps me. So I am here to help and to speak a truth, the truth of my life story. I hope you can Join me and read something that can maybe help you along your journey that I'm sure is as tough as mine. Maybe someone out there can somehow heal by a simple read from my blog. May God let us heal each other, love each other and lift each other up. May you sleep with the angels ❤