Hood Family

 There's a certain sadness that fills my heart around the holiday's because of how alone I feel. No family, no friends to be around me or my kids during the holidays is difficult. To not only be aware that it's been like that for me all my life and now it's the same for my kids. I swear I didn't want the same outcome for them, but life has a funny way of repeating itself. They say it's like a generational curse or something like that. Not being able to break the curse is difficult when the generation doesn't change but only gets worse. I've been on my own since the age of 11 and all the pain and trauma my family has put me through really put fear in my heart for my kids. When I met my husband he built a different kind of life for me where I thought I would never have to go to my family for help, love, or anything at all ever again. When he died my oldest son was the same age I was when my mom passed, at eleven years of age I had to stand alone. I swore my son was not going to be me even if the same heartache and destiny seemed to become the same for him. I swore he wouldn't feel abandoned, un-loved and a burden to nobody. I would be here always to shield him from such pain. Even if he already felt one of the greatest heartbreaks I did at the same age of losing a parent, nothing else was going to hurt him. I thought maybe my husband's family and mine would fill him with all the love and guidance he needed. I thought maybe my family would step up and give him the love they never gave me. They all seemed to support and rally behind us as my husband lost his battle with cancer. They all seemed to give compassion and kept promising my husband, and reassuring him that they would look after us and always be there to help. I didn't make the best decisions after my husband passed away, I was grieving and lost and took a wrong turn, and I guess that's on me, but I still don't see how that could've made my husband's family turn their backs on my kids. They tried to hurt me in the worst way possible but hurting my kids in the process was the worst thing they could do. My family I was used to them always betraying me or abandoning me but I didn't expect the same thing to happen to my kids. So again the curse was bestowed on my kids. I've never kept my kids from them or my family I have always let them make their own decision on how they interact with their families, but there also comes a time where you have to protect your kids from certain things people do or say that can have a negative way of affecting them. Some people can hate your kids for the simple fact that they are your kids. I wish my kids didn't have to see me having conflict with both sides of the family, and didn't have to see me set boundaries and building back walls I had already tried to tear down. All so they can have the close net family I never seemed to have. Every year that passed I kept having trouble letting my family in because I knew the harm they could cause me and my kids. In time that proved to be true, and every year the same wit my husband's family, they kept hurting my kids by trying to hurt me. Broken promises, fake love, and lies is all they could offer. I tried to forgive many times and move on but they kept doing the same thing over and over. So now I stay away from both sides but a little to late. I failed to break the generational curse for my kids and we have a whole decade spending the holidays alone. In our PJ'S in bed in our own rooms. We don't go anywhere and that makes me so sad. The guilt I carry because some how it's all my fault. I'm the problem, I bring the drama and negative vibe. So I stay away and now my kids suffer along with me. Every year I promise myself that it will be the last year we spend the holidays alone and isolated, and every year the flood of emotions and depression drag me down. Along with more stress and problems karma brings me I have no strength to carry on. I keep thinking of how much damage the generational curse has caused me and my kids. Or is it me that has caused it all, all this time? i don't know, all I know is as I sit here watching my family and there's united, together, and making great memories, I die a little more inside. 

Hoodmama's dont break down!!!

 The Holiday's are here and I realize the end of the year is here. I took a whole year to get everything done and some didn't even get started or finished. Some started to get down but never made enough progress to finish. All year I avoided the things most important that had to be done with adding more un-important things to my plate. Keeping busy on other thing's instead of focusing on thing's or people that I had to deal with. The out-come some negative but some positive. With conflict within myself and with other's it made it hard for me to be around family and friends. It was hard to face the reality of the damage I was doing to myself and my loved ones, because of the choices I was making. It's been about 7 year's that I have gone on this blog to write more about my Hoodmama life, and maybe just posted 2 times since. I started another blog a few months ago to tape into this new person I hoped to become.& year's of destroying everything and everyone around me. Karma sure has been biting me in the ass, and it's been a hell of a decade for me. I started realizing just this year of all my mistakes and bad choices. Hearing how I've done so much damage to my loved one's is making me face reality and has put a start to really confronting the truth and dealing with my emotions. Why? because my emotions is the reason I have reacted and done thing's the way they have become. I know it's to late to repair some of the damage I've done to my life as well as other's, but there is room for growth and forgiveness. I also know that first I have to forgive myself, but the cross I carry is so heavy I don't have strength to face the things I've done. So much shame and guilt it reminds me that I'm not even worthy of self-love. Or even forgiveness from myself and other's. Then the feeling and knowledge of people you thought were for you are actually against you it gets overwhelming. All I've ever known to do is react with anger and avoid every part of it. I numb the pain and store it in Pandora's box. I mean who wants to face such feelings or carry such a heavy cross. Late this year it seemed like the whole world was against me and my whole world was turned upside down. I kept telling myself karma is here, you got this, weather the storm. How long can I keep this strong front when it don't stop. It's like she was waiting on me to start changing and doing better for my life to come get me. I started my own business and got back in school after hitting rock bottom not just once but a few times. Positive changes I decided to make after starting to realize That my life was shit and I wasted almost a decade of life making wrong choices and hurting my loved one's. Yes a little to dam late but I had to try. Everyday new thing's happen and more fragile, mentally, and emotionally I become. I feel like I'm losing a never ending battle, and I see no end in site. A new year is about to start and I know I'm running out of time. I just don't see how I can overcome all these challenges. What I do know is that I started so there is will, now I just need the power and strength to keep going. I hope that this year will be the last of a bad decade and a new beginning, I wish you all Happy Holidays and blessing's for all!!!